Superpowers Aren't Always Useful

I was sitting in my office eating a bagel when TDS walked in.  The conversation quickly turned to transsexuals and donuts; two of TDS's favorite topics of conversation outside the Ford Pinto and Cholera.  We pick up our story there:

TDS:  That tranny that was murdered out by Gower, the person being interviewed in the article said there's a good donut shop around the corner but that they don't go in there because there's so many trannies.  That's gotta be the donut shop you get donuts at for the office.

Me:  Did they call it by name?

TDS:  No.  But there are a lot of trannies there.

Me:  TDS, there's gotta be at least 20 donut shops between that murder site and here.

TDS:  I don't think so.

Me:  I'll go count them this week for you.

TDS:  yeah, you go count them.

Me:  There's gotta be one on nearly every other street corner between there and here, you don't know it's this one.

TDS:  Oh those donuts are so good.  Really good.

Me:  Yeah.

TDS:  And they said it's good donuts.  That's the only good donut place here, and also there are a lot of trannies there.

Me:  How do you know it's the only good donut place?  Have you had donuts at all the places between here and there?

TDS:  (Disgusted face) Ugh, no.

Me:  Then how do you know there isn't a good donut between here and there?

TDS:  I know a greasy donut when I see one.

End Scene.

So there you have it, the TDS's superpower is the ability to spot an un-good donut from 50 paces.  I don't know when this will come in handy other than in the scene above, but if you need a good donut spotter, TDS is your go-to.

The Mocking Tone Of Mockingness

Actual quote from TDS not 2 minutes ago:

"Believe me, if I were mocking you, I'd know it....  but I don't know if I would."

Breathing Is Fundamental

Having minor asthma attacks at work.  My inhaler (something that starts with an X that I can't recall the name of at the moment) is running low.  TDS walks in.

TDS:  Oh no!  Are you having heartburn?
Me:  No.  Just a little asthma attack.
TDS:  I have my inhaler if you need it.
Me:  Thanks.  I've got mine, it's running low, but yeah I have that little blue one with the X.
TDS:  yeah, I have the one I can't take and the other one.
Me:  That's right.  You can't have the Albuterol but you can have the blue one with the X.
TDS:  No.  I have the small one they gave me that I can't have and the other one that I can have.
Me:  But you can have the blue one with the X.
TDS:  No.
Me:  I thought you couldn't have albuterol.
TDS:  It makes my heart race, so I have the other one.  The blue one with the X on it.

I throw my arms up in defeat.

All I know is breathing is good.

One Bedroom Jew Adjacent

It's no surprise to most followers that the Dowd Syndrome works in Visual Effects.

A controversy has arisen in a shot that the Dowd Syndrome worked on in which she digitally removed the words "Holy Bible" from a, wait for it, Holy Bible at the behest of the filmmakers.  A co-worker spotted a story about this controversy and read it aloud to the studio.  This is what followed:

Co-Worker:  ...so that's why it screened with the words still on the book, the filmmakers changed the cut amid the controversy.

TDS:  But I worked on that shot.

Me:  Jesus killer.

Co-Worker:  TDS, you godless heathen!

Other Co-Worker:  But you're not Jewish.  That's my people.

TDS:  I lived in New York.  So that's close enough.

One point: Dowd Syndrome.

Co-Worker gets up and walks over to me and says:

Co-Worker: One day I want to bring in a giant dry erase board in and try to explain to TDS the difference between causation and correlation.

Her back to us, headphones still on, wrapped in 2 jackets on a balmy 72 degree morning while working the entire time,  TDS says:

TDS:  There isn't any.

An obligatory moment of silence followed and TDS, fat and satiated on her indifference to our chicanery, kept working stoic and unwavering like a sweat-jacketed little Wednesday Addams.

Two points: Dowd Syndrome.

The World's Worst Prostitute

Was coming back from lunch with co-worker 1 yesterday and saw TDS walking toward the TDSmobile.  It was too late for TDS to be going for lunch, so we assumed a sickness was afoot.

I pulled the car alongside and waited to get her nervous attention at the car following her in the parking lot.

TDS looked at me and I say, "How much?"

A momentarily furrowed brow is followed by, "Haha!  I get it."  She then twists her face into anguish and says, "I don't know."

Co-Worker 1 says, "You're the worst prostitute ever."

TDS answers, "I feel like I'm going to barf so I'm going home."

Yes, I agree:  The worst prostitute ever.

St. Paddy's Day

It began with co-worker 1 and I discussing how an actor is becoming more and more like Bill Cosby every year, and devolved into both of us doing really poor bill cosby impressions... loudly.

TDS walks up to us while we're contorted into a number of mildly painful Bill Cosby poses and says rather triumphantly in her quiet, apologetic TDS voice:  "That's Bill Cosby."

An awkward silence followed, but only briefly.  Then co-worker 1, whose name is Paddy, began contorting even more grotesquely and resumed Cosbifying the room.

I, in my bad Bill Cosby said, "There's something wrong with Bill Paddy's spats-see..."

TDS, always either 2 hours ahead or 15 years behind the conversation said, "St. Patty's Day isn't until next week."

The Bills feel silent.

Questionable Directions

TDS:  A friend of mine is coming here for lunch and asked me if we're on the north or south side of the street, but I'm a girl, I know left and right.

Me:  Okay but you see how that's really not precise?

TDS:  Guys know directions, girls know left and right.

Me:  But you know where that street is right?

TDS points behind her.

I point behind me, the other direction.

Me:  Okay.  This is a problem.  But it's easily remedied.  Stop thinking in "holding a compass" kind of directions and just think in a more vague sense.  Do you know where we are?

TDS:  Yes.

Me:  Do you know where the Valley is?

TDS:  Yes.

Me:  Okay, that's north.

TDS:  Yes.

Me:  Do you know where Disneyland is?

TDS:  Yes.

Me:  Okay, that's South.

TDS:  Yes.

Me:  Are we on the side of the street that is nearer to Disneyland or the Valley?

TDS:  When I come here I turn left.

Me:  Yes, and you're heading West?   But what if he's heading East?

Awkward pause.

TDS:  Is that left or right?

This continued for another 20 minutes.  Some tears were shed, some voices were raised, and 5 minutes devoted to the ocean being West and the desert being East (even if you couldn't see them), but in the long run, the friend got here, and he came from two blocks South and less than a mile West.  They're at lunch right now.  I forgot to ask if she ever gave him NSEW directions.

Yes. Yes we are.

TDS: You guys are making fun of me just because I like cholera.

Happy Birthday, TDS!

All: Happy Birthday!

TDS: Oh! Today is my aunt's birthday, too. Her name is Jeannie. And when I was a kid, I thought she was a genie.

All: ......

TDS: Because her name was Jeannie. And she had blonde hair. And she looked like Barbara Eden.

Me: Did she live in a bottle?

TDS: No! I don't know.

New Furniture

Upon returning to work after going home to take delivery of a new couch....

Me: How's your couch?

TDS: It looks like a couch!

Me: That's good.

TDS: Well, you never know what it's going to look like when you order it online.

Co-Worker: How's your $200 couch?

TDS: It was $200!