TDS came in to my office today and announced that Saturday was her birthday. She then asked what she should do for her birthday. This is the conversation that followed:
Me: Get a manicure.
TDS: Ew, no. I hate manicures.
Me: Get a pedicure.
TDS: NO! No one touches my feet.
Me: Get a massage.
Her face curled into a knot only seen on thousand year old redwood trees at the thought.
TDS: Oooh, I don't like people...
Dowd Mainpage
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Superpowers Aren't Always Useful
I was sitting in my office eating a bagel when TDS walked in. The conversation quickly turned to transsexuals and donuts; two of TDS's favorite topics of conversation outside the Ford Pinto and Cholera. We pick up our story there:
TDS: That tranny that was murdered out by Gower, the person being interviewed in the article said there's a good donut shop around the corner but that they don't go in there because there's so many trannies. That's gotta be the donut shop you get donuts at for the office.
Me: Did they call it by name?
TDS: No. But there are a lot of trannies there.
Me: TDS, there's gotta be at least 20 donut shops between that murder site and here.
TDS: I don't think so.
Me: I'll go count them this week for you.
TDS: yeah, you go count them.
Me: There's gotta be one on nearly every other street corner between there and here, you don't know it's this one.
TDS: Oh those donuts are so good. Really good.
Me: Yeah.
TDS: And they said it's good donuts. That's the only good donut place here, and also there are a lot of trannies there.
Me: How do you know it's the only good donut place? Have you had donuts at all the places between here and there?
TDS: (Disgusted face) Ugh, no.
Me: Then how do you know there isn't a good donut between here and there?
TDS: I know a greasy donut when I see one.
End Scene.
So there you have it, the TDS's superpower is the ability to spot an un-good donut from 50 paces. I don't know when this will come in handy other than in the scene above, but if you need a good donut spotter, TDS is your go-to.
TDS: That tranny that was murdered out by Gower, the person being interviewed in the article said there's a good donut shop around the corner but that they don't go in there because there's so many trannies. That's gotta be the donut shop you get donuts at for the office.
Me: Did they call it by name?
TDS: No. But there are a lot of trannies there.
Me: TDS, there's gotta be at least 20 donut shops between that murder site and here.
TDS: I don't think so.
Me: I'll go count them this week for you.
TDS: yeah, you go count them.
Me: There's gotta be one on nearly every other street corner between there and here, you don't know it's this one.
TDS: Oh those donuts are so good. Really good.
Me: Yeah.
TDS: And they said it's good donuts. That's the only good donut place here, and also there are a lot of trannies there.
Me: How do you know it's the only good donut place? Have you had donuts at all the places between here and there?
TDS: (Disgusted face) Ugh, no.
Me: Then how do you know there isn't a good donut between here and there?
TDS: I know a greasy donut when I see one.
End Scene.
So there you have it, the TDS's superpower is the ability to spot an un-good donut from 50 paces. I don't know when this will come in handy other than in the scene above, but if you need a good donut spotter, TDS is your go-to.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
The Mocking Tone Of Mockingness
Actual quote from TDS not 2 minutes ago:
"Believe me, if I were mocking you, I'd know it.... but I don't know if I would."
"Believe me, if I were mocking you, I'd know it.... but I don't know if I would."
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Breathing Is Fundamental
Having minor asthma attacks at work. My inhaler (something that starts with an X that I can't recall the name of at the moment) is running low. TDS walks in.
TDS: Oh no! Are you having heartburn?
Me: No. Just a little asthma attack.
TDS: I have my inhaler if you need it.
Me: Thanks. I've got mine, it's running low, but yeah I have that little blue one with the X.
TDS: yeah, I have the one I can't take and the other one.
Me: That's right. You can't have the Albuterol but you can have the blue one with the X.
TDS: No. I have the small one they gave me that I can't have and the other one that I can have.
Me: But you can have the blue one with the X.
TDS: No.
Me: I thought you couldn't have albuterol.
TDS: It makes my heart race, so I have the other one. The blue one with the X on it.
I throw my arms up in defeat.
All I know is breathing is good.
TDS: Oh no! Are you having heartburn?
Me: No. Just a little asthma attack.
TDS: I have my inhaler if you need it.
Me: Thanks. I've got mine, it's running low, but yeah I have that little blue one with the X.
TDS: yeah, I have the one I can't take and the other one.
Me: That's right. You can't have the Albuterol but you can have the blue one with the X.
TDS: No. I have the small one they gave me that I can't have and the other one that I can have.
Me: But you can have the blue one with the X.
TDS: No.
Me: I thought you couldn't have albuterol.
TDS: It makes my heart race, so I have the other one. The blue one with the X on it.
I throw my arms up in defeat.
All I know is breathing is good.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
One Bedroom Jew Adjacent
It's no surprise to most followers that the Dowd Syndrome works in Visual Effects.
A controversy has arisen in a shot that the Dowd Syndrome worked on in which she digitally removed the words "Holy Bible" from a, wait for it, Holy Bible at the behest of the filmmakers. A co-worker spotted a story about this controversy and read it aloud to the studio. This is what followed:
Co-Worker: ...so that's why it screened with the words still on the book, the filmmakers changed the cut amid the controversy.
TDS: But I worked on that shot.
Me: Jesus killer.
Co-Worker: TDS, you godless heathen!
Other Co-Worker: But you're not Jewish. That's my people.
TDS: I lived in New York. So that's close enough.
One point: Dowd Syndrome.
Co-Worker gets up and walks over to me and says:
Co-Worker: One day I want to bring in a giant dry erase board in and try to explain to TDS the difference between causation and correlation.
Her back to us, headphones still on, wrapped in 2 jackets on a balmy 72 degree morning while working the entire time, TDS says:
TDS: There isn't any.
An obligatory moment of silence followed and TDS, fat and satiated on her indifference to our chicanery, kept working stoic and unwavering like a sweat-jacketed little Wednesday Addams.
Two points: Dowd Syndrome.
A controversy has arisen in a shot that the Dowd Syndrome worked on in which she digitally removed the words "Holy Bible" from a, wait for it, Holy Bible at the behest of the filmmakers. A co-worker spotted a story about this controversy and read it aloud to the studio. This is what followed:
Co-Worker: ...so that's why it screened with the words still on the book, the filmmakers changed the cut amid the controversy.
TDS: But I worked on that shot.
Me: Jesus killer.
Co-Worker: TDS, you godless heathen!
Other Co-Worker: But you're not Jewish. That's my people.
TDS: I lived in New York. So that's close enough.
One point: Dowd Syndrome.
Co-Worker gets up and walks over to me and says:
Co-Worker: One day I want to bring in a giant dry erase board in and try to explain to TDS the difference between causation and correlation.
Her back to us, headphones still on, wrapped in 2 jackets on a balmy 72 degree morning while working the entire time, TDS says:
TDS: There isn't any.
An obligatory moment of silence followed and TDS, fat and satiated on her indifference to our chicanery, kept working stoic and unwavering like a sweat-jacketed little Wednesday Addams.
Two points: Dowd Syndrome.
Friday, March 11, 2011
The World's Worst Prostitute
Was coming back from lunch with co-worker 1 yesterday and saw TDS walking toward the TDSmobile. It was too late for TDS to be going for lunch, so we assumed a sickness was afoot.
I pulled the car alongside and waited to get her nervous attention at the car following her in the parking lot.
TDS looked at me and I say, "How much?"
A momentarily furrowed brow is followed by, "Haha! I get it." She then twists her face into anguish and says, "I don't know."
Co-Worker 1 says, "You're the worst prostitute ever."
TDS answers, "I feel like I'm going to barf so I'm going home."
Yes, I agree: The worst prostitute ever.
I pulled the car alongside and waited to get her nervous attention at the car following her in the parking lot.
TDS looked at me and I say, "How much?"
A momentarily furrowed brow is followed by, "Haha! I get it." She then twists her face into anguish and says, "I don't know."
Co-Worker 1 says, "You're the worst prostitute ever."
TDS answers, "I feel like I'm going to barf so I'm going home."
Yes, I agree: The worst prostitute ever.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
St. Paddy's Day
It began with co-worker 1 and I discussing how an actor is becoming more and more like Bill Cosby every year, and devolved into both of us doing really poor bill cosby impressions... loudly.
TDS walks up to us while we're contorted into a number of mildly painful Bill Cosby poses and says rather triumphantly in her quiet, apologetic TDS voice: "That's Bill Cosby."
An awkward silence followed, but only briefly. Then co-worker 1, whose name is Paddy, began contorting even more grotesquely and resumed Cosbifying the room.
I, in my bad Bill Cosby said, "There's something wrong with Bill Paddy's spats-see..."
TDS, always either 2 hours ahead or 15 years behind the conversation said, "St. Patty's Day isn't until next week."
The Bills feel silent.
TDS walks up to us while we're contorted into a number of mildly painful Bill Cosby poses and says rather triumphantly in her quiet, apologetic TDS voice: "That's Bill Cosby."
An awkward silence followed, but only briefly. Then co-worker 1, whose name is Paddy, began contorting even more grotesquely and resumed Cosbifying the room.
I, in my bad Bill Cosby said, "There's something wrong with Bill Paddy's spats-see..."
TDS, always either 2 hours ahead or 15 years behind the conversation said, "St. Patty's Day isn't until next week."
The Bills feel silent.
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