Questionable Directions

TDS:  A friend of mine is coming here for lunch and asked me if we're on the north or south side of the street, but I'm a girl, I know left and right.

Me:  Okay but you see how that's really not precise?

TDS:  Guys know directions, girls know left and right.

Me:  But you know where that street is right?

TDS points behind her.

I point behind me, the other direction.

Me:  Okay.  This is a problem.  But it's easily remedied.  Stop thinking in "holding a compass" kind of directions and just think in a more vague sense.  Do you know where we are?

TDS:  Yes.

Me:  Do you know where the Valley is?

TDS:  Yes.

Me:  Okay, that's north.

TDS:  Yes.

Me:  Do you know where Disneyland is?

TDS:  Yes.

Me:  Okay, that's South.

TDS:  Yes.

Me:  Are we on the side of the street that is nearer to Disneyland or the Valley?

TDS:  When I come here I turn left.

Me:  Yes, and you're heading West?   But what if he's heading East?

Awkward pause.

TDS:  Is that left or right?

This continued for another 20 minutes.  Some tears were shed, some voices were raised, and 5 minutes devoted to the ocean being West and the desert being East (even if you couldn't see them), but in the long run, the friend got here, and he came from two blocks South and less than a mile West.  They're at lunch right now.  I forgot to ask if she ever gave him NSEW directions.

Yes. Yes we are.

TDS: You guys are making fun of me just because I like cholera.

Happy Birthday, TDS!

All: Happy Birthday!

TDS: Oh! Today is my aunt's birthday, too. Her name is Jeannie. And when I was a kid, I thought she was a genie.

All: ......

TDS: Because her name was Jeannie. And she had blonde hair. And she looked like Barbara Eden.

Me: Did she live in a bottle?

TDS: No! I don't know.

New Furniture

Upon returning to work after going home to take delivery of a new couch....

Me: How's your couch?

TDS: It looks like a couch!

Me: That's good.

TDS: Well, you never know what it's going to look like when you order it online.

Co-Worker: How's your $200 couch?

TDS: It was $200!

Gross

Co-Worker: Aw, man. I saw the grossest thing last night. We were watching the Food Channel--
TDS {interrupting}: Were they making pancakes?

122910

While sitting at work:

9:05am
TDS:  Hey!  We can order lunch today!
Me:    Sure.
TDS:  Not now.  But later we can order lunch.
Me:    Absolutely, what would you like?
TDS:  We don't have to order lunch.

The Dowd Syndrome

The Dowd Syndrome is a chronicle of the bizarre and hilarious things said by one of my co-workers.  While a genuinely sweet and awesome person, her superpower seems to be the singular ability to take even the most pedestrian conversation/topic/sentence and infuse it with the most deliciously rich tangents the human brain can barely fathom.

I could set up this site more, but I'll never do her justice, so in the words of the Dowd:

"I don't think I'll see a psychic again for at least ten years... or maybe June."